It Pours, Man it Pours

     On days like today I get really down on myself.  I get depressed, and defeatist, and I just sit and do nothing because I am too overwhelmed to focus on anything.  Anxiety about career, life, past, present, future, and more than anything money.  It keeps me up too late, only to make me wake up with stress over and over again some nights.  There is nothing glamorous about the days in between making something out here.

     On days like today I waste time, because I shut down.  Nothing can shut me down faster and harder than money.  Money I don't have, money I don't know how to get, and worst of all money I owe.  LA is a vortex that money is swallowed down, fast and constantly.  Rent is higher than most places, jobs are just as competitive to land as an audition, and like most films you usually have an in if you know someone already on board. 

     I came to LA with an umbrella to shield myself from rainy days like these.  I became a Massage Therapist.  Flexible hours, good pay, and when I worked at The Beverly Hilton for 2 years I did some films, just got my shifts covered.  It was a great set up, I was surviving even if I was thriving.  Then LA reminded me how the country was having some money troubles, and the entire Spa was laid off.

     Since then  I suppose I've been flopping around like a fish out of water, and things sure have been dry.  Some odd jobs here and there, but I can't get caught up.  My move to LA still haunts my credit history, now I have to pick and choose what bills of mine I can pick at after rent and utilities are paid, which is hard enough to scrape together.  Sometimes I say to myself: "It's just money, not happiness."  But it's also the way to live life with your friends and family.  You miss out when you can't afford things, and you piss off people when you owe them money.

     Mental and emotional stability are a delicate balance just like chemistry to an artist.  A crushing heartbreak gives you Adele's "21" album.  It's usually an inspiration out of love, lust, despair, regret, or any other numerous powerful emotional experience that great, unforgettable things are made from.  Too little of any of these things can lead to stagnancy and boredom, which can murder creativity in the face.  Too much,  and people can be pushed over the edge and go hysterical or even catatonic from emotional overload.  I've seen and lived both sides, and that happy medium where you are inspired but content is usually only felt in transition between the two.  I'm not saying my outlook is entirely a pessimistic one, I count my blessings on the daily.  I am jaded by my struggle and sore from the seemingly never ending uphill struggle, but I'm early in this industry and life.

     You are out here selling yourself, your mind, body, and often soul.  When it isn't making you the millions you feel you're worth it is easy to fall into a state of fear and doubt.  Maybe I'm in the red, maybe it's crazy and I wake up in my bed panicked, but I'm waking up in my bed in Los Angeles, CA where I've moved to pursue my dreams.  Sometimes I make big strides to those dreams, sometimes baby-steps, and most gloomy days I feel like I'm completely still (or think about a movie I did that felt like a big step backwards).  No matter which way or how fast I move, those are my footprints.  Dues are being paid in full, if only rent could be too right now.